


my heart is useless in a fight against you

by thursdayknight



Series: like canon but gayer 'verse [3]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Asexual Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove Comes Back, Billy Hargrove Has Powers, Declarations Of Love, Dustin Henderson is a Good Friend, Established Relationship, Fighting Monsters, Hospital Scenes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Monster Hunters, No Porn, Post-Season/Series 03, Soft Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21526654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thursdayknight/pseuds/thursdayknight
Summary: No one's ever said I love you to Steve and meant it. His mother hasn't said it at all in years and even when she said it to him as a child there was something in him that just knew she hadn't meant it, just knew she'd been saying it because she was supposed to, because that's what you're supposed to say to your children, and she'd stopped as soon as she could get away with it. He thinks his father said it once, but he can't remember it specifically, just assumes it has to have happened at least once, at least one time. And Nancy definitely hadn't loved him. But -Billy. Billy does.And still he left anyway. He left anyway, like everybody always does.
Relationships: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove
Series: like canon but gayer 'verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551490
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	my heart is useless in a fight against you

By the time they lead Billy to Steve's room his heart is ice and it feels like his blood's slowly going cold too, one inch, one segment, one vein at a time. He thinks if he stopped to count his heartbeats they'd be unbearably slow and he could be listed as a medical miracle for the fact that he's still walking with this cold and frozen heart that only seems to still be beating at all out of pure spite for him.

The second Billy steps into the room and looks at Steve with the big white-but-stained-red patch of gauze taped lopsidedly to his head, lying in the hospital bed with the crisp, white sheets and the thin, scratchy looking blanket, he twitches. Steve's eyes go Bambi big the second he sees Billy and he smiles like there's nothing in the whole world seeing Billy couldn't fix. His whole face is this dopey, happy, freshly-scrubbed mess and Billy looks down at the IV in Steve's arm with an eyebrow raised nearly to his hairline, wondering what sort of drugs they're pumping Steve full of to get him this blissed out after an experience like the one they just had.

"I'm alright," Steve says, his mouth mushing up the words until they're almost unintelligible. 

"You're alright?" Billy says quietly. The ice in his veins cracks almost audibly and makes his heart stutter in his chest. He can almost imagine little fissures appearing in his skin, feels it thawing violently.

"Yeah," Steve says, so dopey, so happy, so drugged up he's completely ignorant to the storm brewing only just a few feet from him. "Is just a concussion." 

The ice inside Billy shatters, sending out spikes like a hand grenade, slicing to ribbons every piece of him they touch and leaving boiling rage and scalding fire in their wake. "Just a concussion. Just. A concussion." The words are red hot as Billy spits them out. He shakes his head like it'll put out the flames, but it only winds up fanning them. "When I said it's your funeral I didn't mean I wanted you to try to need one!" He groans and it's this sharp and wicked thing that claws its way out of his throat like it's trying to eat him alive. "I should never have let you come!"

Steve's dopey, happy look flops over into petulance. "'Cause I'm useless in a fight, right?" he says like it's a question even though it's clear he believes it like it's fact. He folds his arms across his chest and blows his now floppy, fluffy hair out of his face. 

Normally, if Steve said something like that Billy would want to run to him, want to brush a hand through his hair and tell him he's wrong, he's not useless, he's amazing. Normally. But right now the fire won't let him, right now all he feels is that fire rising, crawling through his skin and screaming to be released.

Somehow, he manages not to scream. Somehow, he manages to grind out, "No. Because I love you, you fucking idiot," instead of calling Steve all the mean and nasty names that are currently running through his head. 

Steve's mouth drops open and his eyes bounce around the room, landing on everything but Billy. He uncrosses his arms, recrosses them, bites at the side of his thumb but ultimately, after all of that, says nothing.

And Billy? He wants to wait for an answer. He wants Steve to say it back. He wants Steve to say something, _anything_ , but that fire inside of him is growing hotter by the second and he knows that if he waits he'll say something that'll guarantee that not only will Steve _not_ say it back, but that Steve'll leave him so he swallows down the flames in his throat and does the only thing he can do in this moment - he turns and walks out of the room. 

///

_Because I love you, you fucking idiot._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

And still he left. 

Billy said I love you and still he left. 

He left and Steve's just been staring at the door, staring and waiting and it's been five minutes and Billy isn't coming back and Steve can't follow after him right now and the room is spinning and the good, happy drugs have turned on him and - 

"Yo, Steve," Dustin says with a sharp knock on the door. Steve stares at him wide-eyed for a moment before breaking down and crying just big, fuck ugly sobs and snot and giant crocodile tears right out in the open, right where the whole world can see. 

Dustin comes flying into the room, whispering, "Woah, woah, woah, hey, buddy, hey," all nerves. Once he's standing at Steve's bedside he pauses, hands up, palms out, bottom lip pinched between his teeth like the way you might approach a spooked deer or a rabid dog. Dustin's never been great with tears. Steve isn't either, not when it's other people and really not when it's himself. Doesn't mean he has even the slightest capability of turning off the water works, though. 

Dustin takes a big breath, holds it in and plants himself in the chair next to the bed before grabbing the anorexic looking little box of Kleenexes sitting on the table beside it. He holds it out for Steve, his lip still pinched between his teeth. 

Steve takes a big, fat handful, basically emptying the box and blows his nose loudly. It's disgusting and he wishes he didn't care, but he does. He really, really fucking does. "Sorry," he says, voice all nasally and pitiful.

"No apologies necessary," Dustin says with the softest of smiles. "Real men cry sometimes."

Steve sniffles. There are still tears flowing down his cheeks and no more Kleenex to stop them. "What, did your mom tell you that?" He knows it's too mean as he says it but the way Dustin rolls his eyes, like he's not at all taking it to heart, like he knows Steve's just upset, makes him feel a little better. 

"My mom is a wonderful lady and yes, she did," Dustin says, a little too matter-of-fact to be smug and a little too smug to be matter-of-fact. He grabs the nasty used Kleenexes and empty Kleenex box from Steve then throws them at the little beige garbage can by the door, sinking them in perfectly. It's a really cool move, that is, it is until Dustin spins too fast in his seat to look at Steve like, _"Did you see the super cool thing I just did?_ "and almost falls off his chair.

Steve puts a hand to his mouth to stop himself from laughing, even as he's crying, but it doesn't help, he just winds up laughing through his fingers (and his tears) anyway. "You're such a nerd," he says, his voice coming out strained even though he means for it to be teasing. 

There's an awkward pause after that because usually in situations like this you're supposed to either laugh _or_ cry but somehow Steve has chosen to do both, leaving the mood in the room in this weird middle ground between too much and not enough that leaves both of them with no idea how to move forward.

But then that's just Steve all over, isn't it? Too much and not enough and no idea how to move forward.

After a minute or so Dustin breaks the silence with an aggressive cracking of his knuckles and a grimace that Steve isn't sure is for what he's about to say or for the pain he just caused himself with that knuckle crack. "Right. So…" he says so awkwardly Steve knows the grimace is for whatever he's trying to get out. "What… what's the crying about?" 

"Ummm…" Steve gulps, swiping at his cheeks, wiping away his tears even as more of them rush in to make his efforts entirely useless. He just cannot stop crying. It's like something inside of him has cracked, some dam has been unblocked, some _thing_ has just wiggled itself loose and is now letting all of these tears free, like he'd just had them all stored up and waiting inside of him, just waiting for this moment, just waiting for -

No one's ever said I love you to Steve and meant it. His mother hasn't said it at all in years and even when she said it to him as a child there was something in him that just _knew_ she hadn't meant it, just _knew_ she'd been saying it because she was supposed to, because that's what you're supposed to say to your children, and she'd stopped as soon as she could get away with it. He thinks his father said it once, but he can't remember it specifically, just assumes it has to have happened at least _once_ , at least one time. And Nancy _definitely_ hadn't loved him. But - 

Billy. Billy _does._

And still he left anyway. He left anyway, like everybody always does. 

And Steve doesn't even care, he's not even mad, he wants to be mad, he probably even _should_ be mad, because who says I love you and then just runs away? But… 

But…

But…

Steve loves Billy _so much_ , too goddamn much to care, loves him a truly dangerously, soul-ruining amount, loves him more than he'll probably ever have words for, loves him more than there might even _be_ words for, loves him more than the sky loves the sun, more than the shore loves the ocean, because Billy is like the ocean, like the tides and his eyes are so, _so_ blue, the most perfect shade of blue ever and - 

"Steve, breathe!" 

Dustin's voice snaps Steve back to reality and Steve's confused to find Dustin's smiling at him. 

"It's something to do with Billy, isn't it?" 

Steve nods, alarmed and embarrassed to find that he's still crying, after all this. Still has this freaking internal waterfall pouring out of his eyes.

"I'll go get him for you," Dustin says, still with this little smile on his face he probably thinks is coy but definitely isn't. Steve has no idea what it is, but coy isn't it. 

"Thanks," Steve says. 

After Dustin walks out, Steve's head drops back on to his pillow like it weighs a million pounds. 

He's exhausted.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please leave a comment if you liked this fic! 
> 
> Also, I have a [tumblr](https://gideongrace.tumblr.com/), if you wanna come yell at me over there about ace stuff or harringrove.


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